Marriage, Divorce, and Little People

beautifulpainYesterday I posted about lies, deceit and betrayal, and as I expected, it stirred up a lot of feeling in people. So much so, I thought I’d write a little more about it. (A lot, actually.) Today’s post is focused on marriage, divorce, and children, because I got a flood of emails from people related to this topic. It seems many people are in relationships that aren’t growing anymore. We could talk about that quite a lot. How is it that our divorce rate is so high? It’s over half of all marriages that fail now and I believe a large part of it is cultural. We are taught to keep looking for bigger, better, newer, shinier. So much of what we value is external. So right off the bat, we aren’t always looking under the hood. Some of this is perfectly natural; attraction has to be there. But a lot of the time, people find someone they want to “get with”, and project all kinds of stuff onto the person. I’m hot for you, you’re “the one”!! And then the hormones wear off and you find out you’re starring in Psycho VIII.

Additionally, we’re living in a time when everyone is busybusybusy, racing from one place to another. And then it’s Monday again. And again and again and again, and wow. A whole year just went by. Three, five, wait. How old am I? This year I’ll take that vacation. Hmm, maybe next year. This weekend I’ll hang out with my family. Oh, wait, I can’t, I have a deadline. And I mean, don’t get me wrong, here. We also have a broken system where you have to work your a$$ off to be able to afford health insurance for your family. And to keep food in the fridge, and a roof over everyone’s heads. It’s not like I don’t get that. But still. A walk after dinner. A dinner without devices on the table. A story before bedtime. Something. A card for your spouse for no reason once in awhile. Date night. A touch on the arm on your way out the door, and a moment to really see each other. Remember each other. Something. Or it’s going to die.

I dated a guy who was a runner once. Every morning he’d jump out of bed and go for a run. But then he’d come back and jump in the shower and race out the door with barely a goodbye over his shoulder. And he’d race the entire day, until he collapsed in bed at night. He raced through everything. I’ll leave it at that, but I mean everything. The only time he slowed down is when he’d travel for work. Then he’d call me and want to talk, because he’d be lonely in some far-off place. You can’t race through life and prioritize your to-do list and come home and zone out in front of the television, and never give the people in your life your full attention, and expect a relationship to keep growing. You have to water it. You can’t have the attention span of a flea and think that’s going to cut it. If you don’t see and appreciate what you have, you’re probably going to lose it. Weddings are easy, marriages are not. You have to choose to marry the person every day. To see them and hear them and cherish them the way other people do. People who are not taking them for granted. Who don’t assume they know all there is to know. It’s funny, I’m lucky enough to have some friends I’ve known over twenty years. I don’t ever think I know all there is to know. Yesterday, I was supposed to talk to a girlfriend I’ve known since I was twelve years old, and we couldn’t make it happen with her kids, my kids and the time difference. But when we do talk, it’s not going to be static on the line. Because things have happened since we spoke last week. She’s not the same today as she was seven days ago when we talked about everything. And neither is anyone else. People felt confronted yesterday by what I wrote. People who may be engaging in email flirtations or more. You think I don’t understand? I fully understand, believe me. It’s painful to live in a house with someone who doesn’t see you anymore. I’ve been there more than once. More than twice.

What do you do? You go to the person you built a life with, even if the walls are starting to crumble, and you say four words: I am in pain. And with as much kindness as you can, you tell them exactly where you’re at. Even if you’re petrified, even if you have children, even if you would rather suffer yourself than bring pain to your family. Because I promise you, if you are in so much pain that you’re resorting to desperate acts with other people, your family is already feeling that. If you have children, on some level they know. They may not understand what they’re feeling, but they are feeling it. They’re on the ship with you. My parents got divorced when I was four. And I remember all of it. If the space between you and your spouse is charged, or dead, or full of anger or lies or heartbreak or utter disappointment, that’s the space your children are growing in, too. Children have no defenses, they aren’t hardened, they feel it all. Maybe your spouse will storm out. But they’ll come back. Maybe they’ll hold your hand and cry with you, and it’s possible you’ll touch on something ancient between you that hasn’t been stirred in a long time. At least you’ll be communicating honestly. If you feel like you can’t have the conversation without support, ask to go to couples’ counseling. I’d highly, highly recommend that in any case. If you have children, I think it’s a must, even if you end up talking about how you’re going to end things. But if you can save it, save it. Try with everything you’ve got. Read the book, “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 year Landmark Study”. We want to say that children are resilient, and what matters most is that they have two happy parents. That’s true, but I think people go a little too far with this. I hear about schedules that are great for divorced parents, but so insane for the kids. Here one night, there the other, back and forth so much it would make anyone’s head spin. There’s a line. If you have to split because staying requires the crushing of your spirit, and your children’s too, then yes, you need to end it. But put the kids first.

There are three kinds of adults I meet. Those whose parents got divorced, those who wish their parents had gotten divorced, and those lucky people who grew up with two parents who were able to pull it off. And you know what? Everything you go through will open you and teach you something if you let it. And as much as we may think we do, or we may want to, we never know what someone else’s path is supposed to look like, even our own children’s. Yes, your job is to put them first. Always. And to protect them as much as possible, and to nurture them and hold them and share with them anything and everything you’ve got. Your job is also to teach them what it looks like to be a happy, kind person. Isn’t that what we all really want for our children? We want them to be happy, right? To live life with their hearts open. To be able to recognize what’s true for them, and to live guided by their own inner yes. How will they be able to do that if you don’t show them what it looks like? It’s not impossible, but they’ll have to work a lot harder to figure it out without an example.

And while I’m at it, let me talk briefly about co-parenting. No matter what happens or how you feel, your ex will always be your child’s other parent. The other most important person in their world. Do you know people who don’t have good relationships with their moms or their dads? It’s a heartache that never goes away, and it wreaks havoc on all their interpersonal relationships unless they work on it a lot. You don’t want that for your children. Once in a parking lot I saw this little girl, probably about three years old, crying in her stroller, and saying that she missed her daddy. Her mom looked really stressed out, and yelled at her, “It’s a mommy day, you’ll see your dad tomorrow!!!” And I couldn’t help it. I went over to her and said, “She just misses her dad, it’s totally normal. She loves you. Why don’t you take a time out, I’ll hang with her for a few minutes.” And her mom started crying, and went and sat in her car, and I had an amazing conversation with that little person. And when her mom came out of her car she handed her cellphone to her daughter so she could talk to her dad. The best thing you can do for your children is support a healthy, nurturing relationship with their other parent. If you can work out a way to be friends with your ex, that is so ideal, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. I know that’s not always possible. But what is possible is that you never ever say a negative word about your ex to your child. Ever. And that you work it out so that your children have as much stability as humanly possible. This thread ought to be interesting. Sending you love, as I always am. Ally

4 thoughts on “Marriage, Divorce, and Little People”

  1. That was a really nice and compassionate post. I’ve been married for 32 years, and its a lot of work and difficult times. I think as we weather storms together we get stronger and our ability to laugh together is a saving grace. Not only do I know that my peace must come from within, but I also know that it is the man within that I love so it has become easier to brush off the more superficial annoyances. Life changes every day anyway, thanks again for your blog

  2. Oh Ally, I’m guessing you moved many readers to tears with this. I am the 4th type of adult: my dad died in an accident when I was 10 (my sister was 16). Our mom and dad were married for 19 years and our mom never dated after dad died (although she finally did re-marry long after we became adults). Both my sis and I are long-time married to guys who came from divorced families. Perhaps that’s just the odds at work, I dunno. I have been married for…18 years; my sister has 24 years under her belt.

    For my marriage, I can say (and often remind my friends who complain about their own marriage or long-term relationships) that it isn’t all roses all the time, but we make it work. If anyone claims to have the “perfect” relationship where no one ever disagrees, everyone is always happy, and there is hot lovin’ just the right number of times a week, they are lying (in my experience, at least).

    We chose this path — committed long-term monogamy. We have two beautiful children (ages 8 and almost 5) and we have built an amazing life together. We have a pretty simple amazing life though — we don’t do lots of social stuff. We eat at home and stay at home most nights. Our kids do 1 extracurricular activity, and sometimes, gasp, none. We listen to lots of music of all sorts. We have living room dance parties to Daft Punk. We have a few very high quality friends. I think what many couples forget is what you and Beets mentioned — everyone is busy, and some people mistakenly think that marriage is easy and as long as you’re in love, it all works out. But it doesn’t. It takes a LOT of work to stay happily married and committed to another person for decades on end. But it is also a gift when it does work. It is never something to take for granted and lots of people apparently don’t realize that. It is NOT the fairy tale many girls were/are programmed to believe.

    Thanks again for your blog, your wisdom, and your awesome streaming yoga classes. They are life-changing.

    1. Yes, I agree, marriage is not the fairy tale we’re sold, it takes a lot of work. 100% effort from both people. But so worth it when it works. Well done to you and your family. Your kids get to be in that small group of adults whose parents pulled it off πŸ™‚ Lots of love. And thank you so much for your kind words about the blog, and my classes. Very moved.

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