This Is Everything

I had a really hard time getting pregnant with my son and tried everything. Literally. Acupuncture, peeing on sticks, boiling “tea” that stunk up the house and even allowing a giant Maori healer to “rolf” my uterus (from the outside, haha. Even at the height of my insanity I wasn’t that crazy :)). I couldn’t figure out a way to practice non-attachment at the time, I just found myself intensely missing a person I hadn’t even met, a person who existed only in my mind and in my heart. Eventually (after a year of needles, tea, sticks, tears and said rolfing session, I went to a fertility doctor who discovered my estrogen levels were a little low, and presto, the bigger kid in this picture started materializing. If you had told me during that year to try to relax and trust that the exact right human was going to show up at the exact right time, I wouldn’t have believed you or been able to do that. I really thought I had to keep “doing things” to “make it happen”, and maybe I did. Maybe he would not have shown up if I hadn’t tried everything known to woman to get there, or maybe he would have, or maybe everything was required. I don’t have any regrets because that kid seems to me to be the only kid who could ever have been my son (my sun), and that girl with him? She showed up with no help from tea or needles or giant Maori.

When I got divorced I was devastated and heartbroken. When there are children in the picture I don’t think it can be any other way. It was not the vision I’d had or wanted, but it became clear to me that it was the only path forward where there could be love and nurturing for everyone involved. It was not easy and it has not been easy. Letting go of the picture of How Things Should Be or how you want things to be for yourself and your children is so hard, and trying to trust that a new path will emerge is also really hard. I credit my yoga practice for any strength and grace I was able to muster through all of that heartache, and I know for sure that’s the thing that kept me sane and strong and able to be a good mama to these small people who have little protection in the world unless we, as parents, figure out how to move through our grief, rage, disappointment, bitterness and all the other feelings that come up (especially when they involve the other most important person in our children’s lives, namely, their other parent), without allowing it to spill over onto them. That is also hard, and for me, again, I credit having been a child of divorce and knowing what that’s like, my yoga practice, therapy (highly recommend) and great, supportive, strong and understanding friends to help me through.

I’ve been a single mom for eight years. A few years ago after I’d been trying to navigate the post-divorce, how-do-you-date-when-you-have-children jungle, I thought, “Well, maybe giant romantic love is just not going to happen for me.” It was sort of surprising and disappointing because I’ve always been a huge romantic, but I thought, “Well, that might just not be in the cards for me, and that’s okay. I have these amazing children and work I love and my life is beautiful and fulfilling and full of all kinds of love. I can be okay this way.” And I did my best to let go of that picture of romantic love, too.

Two-and-a-half years ago I met a man at a bar (feel free to laugh) and he said all of these interesting and funny things and four hours went by in a snap and we didn’t even eat. Last Friday night he proposed to me and I said yes because I am not dumb. We had talked about the idea of getting married a couple of months ago, and even that was a shock to both of us. Neither of us thought we’d get married again. I thought living with someone was as far as I’d go. When you fall in love hard, though, this is what can happen. Your vision changes again. We checked in with our kids about the idea, I talked to my two, he talked to his three. We didn’t want to go forward unless there were thumbs up all around. If someone had said to me years ago, “try to trust that there’s a 6’3″ Englishman out there who’s going to show up in your life with his giant heart and huge brain, his kindness, loyalty, affection and wicked sense of humor and turn all of your ideas about what’s going to happen in your life right on their head,” I would have laughed. If someone had said, “There couldn’t have been anyone else for you but him,” I would have laughed again. I might have even rolled my eyes. I’m sharing this because I know how hard it is to trust. To take your sticky hands off the steering wheel and let things unfold and emerge and allow people to show up and show you who they are, and to allow yourself to be heartbroken when the path takes a turn you didn’t want or expect, but also to allow yourself a tiny sliver of awareness and hope that maybe life has something in store for you you cannot even imagine.

I’ve had an insane week. An amazing Valentine’s Day, an incredible birthday. My heart is so full. Have you seen baby goats dancing around? Google that if not, that’s how I feel. Take care of your precious heart. Let it break when it breaks, but let the breaking open you. Sending you so much love and some trust if you can muster it!

 

Ally Hamilton

If the posts are helpful, you can find my books here and my yoga classes and courses here.

15 thoughts on “This Is Everything”

  1. Congratulations Ally I’m so so soooooo happy for you! I have tears in my eyes! You have always helped me cope, ever since my separation/divorce and far beyond. I credit my yoga too. You are an inspiration on many levels and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your writing and opening your heart to many of your readers. I’m so excited for you, for your full hear, the love in your life and fulfillment. Thx for writing this post I’m so so soooooo happy for you!
    Katty Ianus (now Ianca)
    Sending you all my smiles :)))

  2. Congratulations 🎊How do you let go even if you’ve accepted that a relationship is over? The ‘what isn’t going to be anymore’ And the memories just won’t leave my head.

    1. I think time helps a lot, and therapy, too. There’s no replacing the passage of time, though. I don’t know how long it’s been for you. For me, the first year-and-a-half after my divorce my entire attention was on my children, just making sure they felt happy and secure. I used to sit here and write this blog after they went to bed, and sometimes I’d be up until 2 or 3am, just writing through tears. You can’t move under or around the mourning, grieving part, but after some time has gone by (I think if you’re dealing with heartbreak there’s no “set” time) if you are feeling stuck, and it isn’t getting better at all after several months, it would be really good to speak with someone. I do one-on-one coaching over Skype if you feel like a session would be helpful. You can email me at ally@yogisanonymous.com. If it’s recent-ish and memories come up, I’d let yourself feel whatever you feel around those memories, whether it’s heartache or loneliness or anger or disappointment. If it’s been quite awhile, then it might be time to try to put a “time-stamp” on what’s happened so you can focus more energy on what’s ahead instead of what’s behind you. I hope this is helpful, and I’m sending you a ton of love.

  3. I am going through a divorce now and both of my aunts emailed me this blog post last night at almost the same time. Neither knew that I was having a rough night emotionally and feeling sad that my family that I pictured will never be the same and at the same time feeling like how will I ever find love again. My grief is still raw as we only started this process in November. I am trying to give myself grace and work to move on but sometimes it just smacks you in the face and it is so hard to get out of the grief. Sorry for the rambling but tour post was exactly what I needed to read last night. Thank you.

    1. Tessa, I have so been there. I’m glad you have wonderful aunts looking out for you and it sounds like there’s a lot of support and love in your life. It is just hard, and it comes in waves and as you said, you are early in the process. I promise you it will get better and it will get easier. I am doing a 30-day Healing Bootcamp for people going through divorce, and if you feel like you could use some yoga, meditation, journaling, support and a community of people going through similar challenges, here is the link with more details http://blog.yogisanonymous.com/yoga-and-the-divorce-course-a-30-day-healing-bootcamp/ Regardless, I’m sending a lot of love to you, please reach out anytime <3

  4. Congratulations Ally on the marriage. I can tell an abundance of feelings went into this well written post. I particularly like envisioning you mimicking baby goats dancing around. Lots of energy and happy feelings. Love it ! And love you. You are amazing !

  5. So happy for you Ally. All I can say is, “your yoga teaching keeps me sane.” I mean this! You share and help others so much, more than you know or ever hear. Glad you got a huge spark of joy in your life.❤️😘

  6. Congratulations Ally! I am so happy for you.
    I think about you often and miss you. Ought to get my butt to one of your classes xoxoxo

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