Last week I received an email from a colleague that really got me fired up. I wanted to laugh it off or shrug it off, but it got right under my skin. It was pedantic, arrogant and fairly offensive, and I have a strong feeling it’s not an email he would have sent to a male colleague. I could be wrong on that, of course; it’s possible he talks down to everyone, regardless of gender. Thankfully, I’ve been at this game called life long enough to realize it’s never smart to write back when you’re in a reactive state. Because believe me, the email I was writing in my head was fiery. I went about my day, teaching and picking up my kids from school, going to the dog park with our energetic, mouthy puppy, but every so often, in he crept, Mr. Let Me Tell You What Yoga Is. Let me enlighten you with my knowledge. And every time, I got pissed again, and started firing back in my head. Then I’d catch myself, and shake my head and laugh at the balls of this guy, and come back to laughing in earnest with my son and daughter, taking in the gorgeous day, feeling the breeze on my cheek. It’s always our choice whether we receive the insult or not, after all. I never did write back, nor will I, because some things simply don’t deserve the time and energy required to respond. You live your life and your truth with your heart wide open. You have nothing to prove to anyone. But I went through half a dozen drafts in my head, and I let him steal way too much of my day. My meditation teacher, S.N. Goenka, calls this ,”boiling yourself”. The event is over, but you re-live it in your head, and get yourself as worked up as if it were happening in the now.
It’s really hard to hold your center when you feel insulted, attacked, misunderstood, dismissed or otherwise pained by the comments or behavior of someone else, and that’s especially true if it’s a person you love. (Thankfully not the case in my scenario from last week :)). When loved ones are in pain, and their pain spills out all over our lives, it’s incredibly challenging to love them without being held hostage by their suffering. Life brings everything, and not all of it is easy. In fact, some of it will break your heart boldly and without warning on a rainy Sunday afternoon, or a gorgeous Tuesday morning. Life is under no obligation to give us what we want. Some people will face loss and pain that is incomprehensible; it’s not a level playing field. And not everyone handles the everything that life brings in a way that makes sense from outside the experience. Some pain is so knifing, people run from it. Try to numb it out. Push it down, avoid it at all costs. You cannot make a person ready to face their dragons. That’s inside work. When you love a person who’s in self-destruct mode, it’s the most challenging thing in the world to disengage if you must. But it’s an essential lesson in life–we cannot save other people, we each must save ourselves. Or not. You cannot manage another person’s path. You can’t take a person by the shoulders and shove them into the cave of their own despair, telling them to sit there and feel it all and let it wash over them ’til the heat of it is released. That’s a task they choose or they don’t. All you can do is manage your own path. Do your own healing, return to your own love and joy and inner yes. And if a person you love is flailing about it pain, you can do everything in your power to support them. But you do them no good if you get down in the mud and flail about with them. That’s not going to help them, but it is going to hurt you. Keep coming back to love. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself, and everyone in your life. Direct your energy. Sending you love, and wishing you love, Ally