In case you ever wondered what grief is like, it’s like this. Last night I went to Trader Joe’s. It was packed which is why I try to go during the day, but there was also a nice holiday vibe. When I came out with my cart full of groceries there was a woman standing there by the wreaths and I waited to see if she wanted to cross in front of me. She was around the age my mother would be if she was still here. Cut from the same cloth – put together, very attractive. She gave me a big smile with her twinkling eyes and said, “Oh, that’s okay, I’m just waiting for my daughter.” And that was it, I was gutted. I managed to smile back at her, though.
I went to my car, loaded in my groceries, put the cart back. I thought about going to find her to tell her how lucky her daughter is to have her and to maybe share that I do not have my mother here on this planet anymore, but I knew I would fall apart. So I got in my car and pulled out of the parking lot, drove to the light and put on my blinker to turn left on Pico. I ran through the moment in my mind and wondered why I was so deeply affected, and then I realized my mother will never say that to anyone again. She will never casually say she is waiting for her daughter, she will never say anything. I had a seriously hard cry all the way home. The kind where it’s hard to see and the streetlights get blurry and there’s nothing you can do. Tears everywhere, wrenching sobs coming from your gut. It’s coming up on a year since my mom exhaled for the last time. I was there with her for that and I’m grateful, but it’s painful to remember. It’s easier than it was the first five months or so when I would wake up in the morning and have to re-remember that she was gone. Or the first seven or eight months when I would reach for my phone to call her. Around month ten I stopped forgetting that I can’t call her.
But it’s still hard. Grief can knock you sideways out of nowhere. You can be going about your day and someone can say something as innocent as “Oh that’s okay, I’m just waiting for my daughter,” or you might come around the corner of an aisle at the grocery store and see the brand of napkins your gorgeous mother had to use to wipe her mouth when her jaw got slack the last year of her life, because ALS takes everything, slowly. Or you might remember the way your mother’s face looked when they turned off the bipap machine that had been breathing for her. Weirdly enough, you might hear someone sneeze on a subway platform in New York City and realize their sneeze sounds exactly like your mother’s. There are a million ways you can be okay and then not okay at all.
There will be people who will tell you your mother is always with you. They’re not wrong, but it is not the same and hearing that won’t help very much if you are really hurting. The loss of an entire person is incomprehensible. And there is no timeline. If anyone tells you how you should be feeling by such and such a time, that is someone who doesn’t understand grief. They’ll understand eventually, but right now they don’t and that’s okay. There are people who do understand, they’re the same people who have had the breath knocked out of them in an instant because of someone’s perfume, a Facebook memory, a dream lingering on the edge of their consciousness in the morning.
Grief is an expression of the depth of your love. If you loved with your whole heart there’s a good chance you’re going to suffer the loss with your whole heart as well, whatever that might look like for you. There’s no formula for this, no “right” way to grieve, there’s just an ocean of feeling. So if you are suffering at least know you loved your heart out. That’s a huge thing, not everyone can do that. And the love that you extended is something that can never be taken away, and the love that you still feel is alive and well and continuous. And that’s a lot, too. But for all of you who have had or may be having the raw, deep cry on the way home from Trader Joe’s, I see you, I understand and you are not alone.
Sending love to all this holiday season and always,
Ally Hamilton
If the posts are helpful, you can find my books here.
Hello adventuring yogis!! I could not be more thrilled to announce our next retreat to one of the most stunning countries in the world…Greece! And I have found an absolutely magical retreat center on the Greek Island of Lefkada, the gem of the Ionian Sea. It is situated between two amazing Blue Bays offering breathtaking views and a world-class luxurious retreat center immersed in a Mediterranean setting. The center is part of the 
Our retreat center is not just gorgeous, it’s also a 5-minute walk to the beach, water sports and many restaurants. It’s secluded and breathtaking. Our hosts are on-site and ready to make sure 
everything is perfect.
We’ll start the day with a 90-minute sweet, sweaty vinyasa flow class in one of the two most beautiful yoga studios I’ve ever seen. One is enclosed, one is open, so we will definitely use both! We’ll eat delicious, organic meals prepared by our private vegan chef who is ready to accommodate any dietary needs you might have.
three infinity pools (each of the three villas has its own) or heading to the beach for optional kayaking or paddle boarding. We’ll have an incredible excursion on a gorgeous boat, guided hikes and a wine tasting. We’ll have a second yoga class before dinner each day – a deep, stretchy, restorative class that will include guided meditation.
There are three villas with 4 bedrooms each (8 people per villa). Each villa has AC, WiFi, a washing machine and its own infinity pool.
What’s included:
Let’s Get Lost in Paradise!
Join me at the absolutely gorgeous 
What’s included: Two yoga and meditation sessions daily with yours truly, three delicious gourmet meals a day, cooked with local, organic ingredients, a sunrise excursion to Barra Potosi where we will watch the day break over the mountains and mangroves as we take a trip around this stunning lagoon in search of birds and wildlife, and your transfer to and from Zihuatanejo International Airport
What’s not included: Airfare and alcohol, and any of the optional activities: Private massage or spa treatments, paddle board rental, horseback riding, bicycle rentals, or any other treats you may choose to enjoy!
Deluxe Private Room: $3720
To make your deposit and reserve your spot, you can go to:
You can experience life as though it’s happening to you or for you and either way you set yourself up to feel like there is some quid pro quo, like you can tilt the odds in your favor if you’re a good person or you can manifest the reality you want if you try hard enough. You can tell yourself rejection is protection and everything has meaning and has been set up to teach you something. When painful things happen you can experience them as karma or as punishment for something you did or didn’t do. You can decide that everything that’s happening is happening for your growth.
We’re all going to try and fail at some things. If you’re like most people, you’ll try and fail a LOT and hopefully every time you fail, you’ll learn and grow and strengthen and also figure out how invested you are. How determined. How much it means to you, whatever “it” is you’re trying to do.
Here is what we’ll be doing:
To register, go to:
I caught my Inner Critic trying to cause trouble earlier today, let’s call her Gladys. Gladys is a pain in the ass, and I rarely hear from her these days because I make a point of not making her feel welcome and I spent years telling her to pipe down and move along. But every so often if I’m not getting enough rest, or one of my kids is struggling with something, or I’m grieving or whatever the case may be, Gladys might pop by for a visit just to see if she can set up shop again. After all, she lived in my head for decades, and she probably misses the fun of torturing me. But I worked too hard to evict her, and I can smell her perfume coming. It’s the kind that gives me a headache, you know the stuff. Anyway, Gladys was feeling that I was not accomplishing quite enough to meet her exacting standards today and I noticed she was doing that because I started to feel this sense of dis-ease in my body. When I realized what was happening, I told Gladys to f&ck right off. Then I reminded myself that not every day has to be this super-productive, highly efficient experience, and that actually I had managed to do quite a lot of the important things. I made my kids lunch and hugged and kissed them both before my ridiculously tall teenager left for high school, and my middle-schooler hopped out of the car. So they both arrived to school on time, with lunch in their bags, feeling loved. I could have just stopped my day right there and that would have been a good day, right?