The Cycle of Abuse

frogsIf you’ve never been in an abusive relationship, you’re probably going to have a hard time understanding what would keep a person in a situation that’s so unhealthy and soul-crushing. This applies whether we’re talking about emotional and verbal abuse, or physical abuse. People who find themselves in these kinds of relationships didn’t land there out of the blue. A person who’s allowing herself or himself to be abused is a person in pain, and judging or shaming someone because they aren’t strong enough to get themselves out of harm’s way, is only going to compound their pain. The last thing a person needs in that situation is to feel someone else’s disdain; people allowing themselves to be abused are already swimming in shame and guilt and low self-esteem. What they need is support.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, an estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year, and 1 in every 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. It’s not just an issue for women, there are cases where men are being abused by their female partners, but it’s an overwhelmingly larger issue for women.

People who come out of abusive homes tend to seek out those relationships in their adult lives; we gravitate toward what we know, even if what we know feels terrible. So, too, do children of alcoholics tend to marry alcoholics. This might seem insane from the outside, but it’s what Freud called the “repetition compulsion”, what Jung referred to when he said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate”, and what Einstein defined as insanity, “Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.” Yogis call these “samskaras”, or grooves that we play out again and again. We all want to heal and be happy, but a lot of the time, we avoid the very work that would bring us peace. Instead of examining, facing, and working with our pain, we run from it, or deny that it’s there, or numb it out, and then we call into our lives those situations that evoke the same ancient dynamic. We don’t do it on purpose, we’re just driven to heal, to overcome, to master those feelings we couldn’t master as children.

This isn’t a formula that works. When we call an abuser into our lives so we can overcome our original pain, we simply find ourselves powerless once again. We revert back to that scared kid. We think, it must be us, it must be our fault, because look, it’s happening again. We think we don’t measure up, we must not be lovable. Sometimes people put themselves in a powerless position financially. Maybe there are kids in the mix, and they think they should take it, because at least the family is intact, and the abuse isn’t affecting the kids (of course it is). There are all kinds of reasons people stay. They might not make any sense from the outside, but if you haven’t lived someone else’s life, don’t expect to understand the way they think about things. Let’s talk about the other side, here, too. Abusers didn’t just become violent out of the blue. Most abusers were abused themselves. That doesn’t make it okay, but condemnation helps no one.

When we doubt that we’re lovable or worthwhile or of value, we’re likely to call people into our lives who reflect those doubts back to us, and if you’re in a situation like that, you might think, “If only I could get this person to love me, then I’d be happy.” Or maybe things are really, really good a lot of the time, and just every so often, your partner hauls off and punches you in the face. It’s never okay. Abusers manipulate. They sweet-talk. They’re contrite. Maybe they cry and tell you it will never happen again, but it always does. Maybe you think if you just love your partner enough, he’ll stop. Maybe you think it’s your fault because you provoke him. Whatever the stories, the bottom line is, none of us was put here to be a punching bag. Love does not abuse you, mistreat you, disrespect you, lie to you, or hit you in the face. Not ever. You can’t be in love with someone’s potential, and in the meantime, excuse his or her behavior, not if that behavior is causing you physical or emotional pain. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. We all have pain, we all suffer, and sometimes we just don’t have the tools or the strength to get ourselves to a safe space. If that’s where you’re at, you have to reach out and get yourself some help. A good therapist is a great place to start. You have to get to the root of the thing. You have to figure out when you started believing you were not worthy of love. You really need to dig that root up, and cut yourself away from it, because that root was planted in the soil of lies. If you need help, or you know someone who needs help, go to:

Let me just say that most men are as outraged about this as women. It’s really important to me that these conversations don’t alienate anyone. As always, these are problems we need to solve together, and the only way we can do that is by bringing them into the light so we can help each other.

Sending you love,

Ally Hamilton

4 thoughts on “The Cycle of Abuse”

  1. i had a migraine and told my dad i wanted to stay home. i have a lot of absences from school but ive been doing really well to make them up, and havent missed a day in 2 months. i would have gone back to bed if my dad didnt decide to scream at me for 15 minutes, and beat the shit out of me…… i wish i didnt live here and I wish my dad felt sorry for anything hes done to me but he just doesnt. hes a fucking abusive son of a bitch and the day he dies maybe ill be able to be happy again because he has ruined my life completely. i havent felt happy since i was so little and the fake face he puts on in front of people seems so real i wonder if hes even human at all. ive been tying so hard to do well and be good and not upset anyone. i try my best and i think ive done well but he tears down any of those feelings the moment they start. now im stuck in a house with this man i dont even wish could breathe for a full day. i want to leave everything behind. keep in mind this is also the day after my 18th birthday, for which I got nothing, did nothing and cried when i had the house to myself. i feel like I never should have lived this long but here i am struggling to breathe

    1. I’m going to send you a private message and see if we can talk over the phone. I am so sorry no one got you a cake or sang happy birthday to you or done any of the things I would have done if you were my child, because everyone deserves that and you are no different. Your birth and existence here should be celebrated every day. I am sorry things are so hard with your dad, and it is absolutely not okay that he’s hitting you. He needs help, but you need help more, because you need to be in a safe space. You sound like you’re working very hard. I know what it’s like to try to do everything right and “be good” and do well in school and end up with migraines from the unbelievable pressure. You are not alone, and this is not how things are always going to be. You will not live there forever and you will not always have to deal with this. You can create a life that is fulfilling and fun and full of kind, amazing, loving people. I promise you, you can do that and I know because I’ve done it myself. Hang in there and please look for an email from me. Happy Birthday, love.

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