If you’ve ever tried to save another person from his or her pain, then you already know it can’t be done. You cannot divorce a person from his past; whatever we’ve been through is going to shape us, and have an effect on the way we look at, and move through the world. If we come from a stable and loving background where we felt secure and celebrated, we’re probably going to have an easier time dealing with life’s difficult surprises, rejections and losses. But there are some things that are so knifing, it really doesn’t matter what your background was. You’re going to have to walk through the fire.
I think the large majority of people are going to struggle, and I say this because it’s rare for two healthy, happy people to come together out of love, and to remember to appreciate the gifts as they roll in every day. I’m not saying this doesn’t exist, I’m just saying I don’t believe it’s very common. They teach us about fractions in school, we spend time figuring out what happens if a train leaves Baltimore at 7:50am, traveling 40mph, and another leaves New York City at 8:20pm going 30mph, but we don’t learn about the human heart. We don’t have classes that teach us about healthy relationships, and how to be a good partner. Most people develop their skill set with on-the-job training, and that doesn’t always work out so well. If you didn’t have exposure to healthy, happy relationships growing up, if you don’t have a model for that, then you’re flying by the seat of your pants, and it’s likely you’ll have a bumpy ride.
The point is, if we come out of pain, dysfunction, confusion and instability, it’s probably going to take some time for us to find our center. And if we start having intimate relationships while we’re still totally in the dark about who we are, they aren’t likely to go well. If you were born into a situation with two people who didn’t know how to love each other well, and also didn’t do a bang-up job loving you well…welcome to the human race. I believe you’re in the majority.
On top of your own personal history, there’s the vulnerability inherent in this gig called being human. And not everyone deals with the uncertainty of this thing very well. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes explosions go off in the middle of our lives because we set them off, and other times, this happens because we lose someone unexpectedly, or we lose a job, or some other totally unforeseen thing happens. What defines us is how we deal with what we’re given. Sometimes people flail about or point fingers or develop constructs that support the idea that it isn’t their fault, whatever “it” may be. Sometimes people numb out, deny reality, or run like hell. Sometimes people are so self-destructive, you just can’t watch anymore.
The thing is, you can’t do the journey for anyone else. You can’t do it for your children or your parents or your siblings or your best friend. We all have to man up and woman up and and get serious about healing. You can’t be of any real good to anyone else if you’re miserable. You can’t blame your parents if you’re 40 and unhappy. I mean, you can, but it won’t get you anywhere you want to be.
What can you do if someone you love is hurting? You can offer your support and encouragement of course. You can learn to say less and listen more, and just be there with your love. You can reflect back to them the incredible beauty you see. You can try to find them resources so they can start to take ownership of their pain and their happiness. But you can’t fix it for them. It’s torturous to watch someone we love as they flail or doubt or fear or cling. When people have a hole they’re trying to fill, whether they try to fill it with fame or adoration or things or food or sex or they try to numb it out so the ache is less intense, there’s nothing much you can do except to tell them again and again, the only thing that fills that hole is love. And it isn’t love from other people, although that’s wonderful, it’s love from within. Sending you some right now, Ally Hamilton
8 thoughts on “You Have to “Like” Yourself”
As always, it makes you think. I really enjoy reading you Ally. Very concise and clear way to put complex issues.
I have spread the word in my facebook too https://www.facebook.com/BendyAwareness/posts/1647442888812029
Thanks so much!!
Life is indeed a struggle for someone trying to find inner peace while someone who they care for is hurting. But indeed, we cannot impose what we wish or want o feel on other people. “You cannot save people. You can only love them” is indeed true in this particular instance.
It’s not easy to watch people we love as they struggle. Sometimes it’s harder than struggling ourselves. May all beings be free from suffering. Peace to you.
Reblogged this on Ode to a Mockingbird and commented:
“What defines us is how we deal with what we’re given.” So very true. We can choose to be graceful in times of struggle and look beyond others words to see the pain and fear that causes their actions and respond with love and kindness as opposed to anger onlu causing more pain. We cannot heal others, that is their responsibility. We cannot help if they toss aside blessings and disregard gifts, all we can do is hope they find their peace and can find their way back to their center.
Thanks so much 🙂
May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from suffering. Even Charlie Chaplin wrote in his autobiography how one day he decided how important it is to like himself and love himself.And only then was he able to enjoy life. And like and love others too.
No doubt, it is really the foundation of everything else in one’s life. If you aren’t in good company when alone, it’s going to be hard to find it elsewhere 😉 Much love to you, Aviva!